12 December 2008

Sleeping Beauty (or otherwise)

Is watching people while they sleep creepy or cute?

Personally, I'm on team "cute". It's not like I've done my fair share of sleeping-people-watching, but I totally see the attraction. Donny, for example, was once one of my favourite targets. Back then it was because I loved him so much that I couldn't bear to look away from him, even while he was asleep. Now I claim it's because I forgot what he looked like. This is actually kind of true. In the last few years I've seen him in the street (even sometimes in the day after I've slept at his place) and not recognised him until he's grabbed my arm, or something equally surprising. The last time he slept in my bed, I stayed awake as long as I could, looking at him, but within probably two minutes I'd passed out due to my excessively drunken state.

But anyway, I bring the whole thing up because tonight I was talking to Curtis, and he asked if I would leave my webcam on while I took a nap. Given that Curtis and I have an interesting past - which includes, but is not limited to what was supposed to be a one-night stand in 2005, which ended up stretching out a few years, on and off, and led to a trip to Australia together, and a 17-hour bustrip from Providence, Rhode Island to Toronto, Canada last year for a brief visit - I was a little bit confused as to what his motives were.
"I wish you were being serious." I told him.
"I am." Now, I know that Donny's The One, but I admit that my heart did flutter, albeit momentarily, when he said this. I admitted to indulging in a bit of sleeping-Curtis-watching while we were in Australia.
"Okay," he said "well, I want to watch you." And it now seems weird and creepy, but I let him.
I only ended up being asleep for 8 minutes before I heard Say (better known as Sara) calling out to see if I was home. I felt weird and creepy, and turned the camera off. Curtis began to protest.
"Surely it wasn't that exciting." I said, secretly enjoying the attention.
"Yes it was." he replied.


I still sometimes have weird, nightmarish premonitions of Curtis and I when we're old. For some reason, I get completely terrified by the thought that we're going to going to end up married and old. I don't want to be old. People think I ride my bike off jumps I have no hope of landing because of the adrenaline rush? No way. It's because hopefully, if I do it enough, one day I'll die in the process, and as such will be dead before 40. It's just how it goes. And I don't really want to be married to Curtis, either. He's a nice guy and all - good-looking mostly, but until the "I want to watch you sleep" incident tonight, I really didn't think he thought about anyone except himself. Even now, I'm unconvinced. But still. There's something unsettling for me about the parents in Donnie Darko. Whenever I see them, I have that feeling - the one where me and Curtis are old and married.

Donnie Darko stabbing the giant bunny in the eye.
But it's his parents that scare me.

Until recently, I've had grand ideas about marriage. That it's binding, about love, and forever. But it doesn't take a genius to work out that sometimes, especially in this millenium, it's not about any of those things. As such, as I've aged (to the ripe age of 22, no less), I've become more disenchanted with the idea of marrying someone. If I do marry, I want it to be Donny, and I want it to be forever, which I guess is why the Donnie Darko thing freaks me out so much.

Why am I equating marriage with sleeping-people-watching? Because it my opinion and feeling that you have to love someone to want to watch them sleep. I know that in the real world, outside my little head, this isn't always the case, but to me it is. I wouldn't want to watch anyone else in the world, besides Donny, sleeping for that very reason. Given the current state of affairs between the two of us, I'm pretty sure an outlandish statement such as that would go into the "stalking" basket, rather than "cute". Oh well.

I've just realised that the inspiration for Donny's pseudo-identity has been revealed... yes, I named him after Donnie Darko, because it was he who spent hours explaining the theory behind the film to me, after we watched it together one day. Sigh. Even now, the only part I picked up on was "the airplane engine created a wormhole through which he was able to time-travel." Cool, but what about everything else? I like to pretend I know.

That's getting slightly off-topic. I don't think there was any sleeping-people-watching in Donnie Darko.

All things considered, I'm now searching on Facebook for a support group for sleeping-people-watchers like myself. I'm starting to feel creepy.

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