2 December 2008

I slept with someone in Fall-Out Boy and all I got was a baby with a stupid name

This guy is a father?

Okay, it wasn't actually me who did this, obviously. We all know I haven't got a hope in hell of getting knocked up, and luckily I don't want to.

Yes, I'm a bit slow on the uptake, but tonight while sleepily doing my grocery shopping, I saw on the cover of NW or a similar magazine that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz named their baby boy Bronx Mowgli.

Pete was born and raised in Wilmette, Illinois, and Ashlee is from somewhere in Texas. The Bronx has zero to do with either of them.

First of all, let's just clarify. The Bronx is a borough in New York, and it's not exactly the nicest one. Don't get me wrong, the zoo there is especially awesome, but on the whole, I don't know that I'd want to spend my life knowing I was named after the place. Pete, if I'm wrong and you actually named your kid after the band, then shit - could you not have gone for like, Murphy (a la the Dropkicks)? Come on man, it's a kid. This kind of reminds me of those bumper stickers the SPCA used to put out: A Pet is Forever, Not for Christmas.

And Mowgli? I'm sorry, but that name was invented for The Jungle Book. And that's where it should stay. It's not culturally relevant by any stretch of the imagination, and it sounds stupid. People should undergo counselling before they're allowed to name their children. I mean honestly, parenting is supposed to be about having the child's best interests at heart. How can someone have this poor baby's interests in mind when they send it out into the world with a name that conjures images of a wild little boy dressed in animal skin, swinging around on vines in a dangerous New York neighbourhood. It's bad enough that his parents are in one case, a too-effeminate-for-comfort guy with a giant face who writes songs with titles like "I Have A Dark Alley And A Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth", and in the other, a washed-up younger sister of another washed-up singer/actress with manky red hair that really just needs a wash.

As if celebrity babies don't have it hard enough as it is.

Yes, I know it's easy for me to judge from my little pedestal up here on top of the world. But that's what I'm here for, and if you don't like, well... chances are you will just leave without needing to be told.

It seems though, that celebrities aren't the only ones who come up with ridiculous names for their offspring. My sister's friend recently had a wee girl named Kahlyn. Is that even a name? I don't think so. To me, it looks like a bunch of letters strung together. Another friend of hers has a boy named Kaelin. Come on, people! Won't someone please think of the children?

Sulva, my classmate and suspected brain twin at SRA, is pregnant with her second baby. It's going to be a girl, due May 14, and as yet she and her husband haven't thought of a name for her yet. This came up in class today, when that dirty boy I kind of hate suggested that she call the baby Missy Elliott. Honestly? This guy should be banned from procreating. Missy Elliott isn't even a good name for the original Missy Elliott. It's a terrible name for Sulva's baby.

"No!" I practically spat at him. "Sulva, don't listen to anyone. Name your baby what YOU want!" I do secretly hope she doesn't name her Ruby. I want that for MY baby. Sulva was pretty appalled at Aaron's suggestion, and she let him know. "What about Beyonce?" she taunted him later in the day.

Beyonce is another name I suspect was invented by stringing together letters selected at random intervals from the alphabet. Am I the only person left in the world that values tradition? I'm not someone that would name a child John or Sarah, but come on - there are plenty of real names out there that are unique but still hold an air of class, and since history is always repeating I feel like names like Audrey could have more time in the sun yet.

For the record, some of my favourite names for both boys and girls are below:


Karl - after my brother, obviously
Rudy (obviously not the brother of Ruby)

That said, come see me in ten years. I'll probably have a boy named Diesel Mercury and two girls named Petaluma and Zanzibara.

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